Bond is Back
Right, there's a new Bond film out next week, and as usual I'm excited. I don't know why, for as long as I've been old enough to view films on the big screen with a criticial eye, as opposed to just enjoying the experience no matter what rubbish is thrown on screen (as was probably the case when my dad took me to see Octopussy many moons ago) I have always gotten myself hyper-excited about the prospect of a new Bond film. I have also always left the cinema thinking Well, that was a bit shit.It's the internet buzz that does it. With each new film, sites like Ain't it Cool have set reports that tell you how great it's going to look, script reviews telling you that "This time, there's a darker edge to Bond, he's going back to his roots." and everytime you sit there and think: well, no. This is about as dark as the Teletubbies explaining to pre school children how the sun works. You get your big budget opening sequence. Fine, I'm OK with that, they've been a bit unimaginative in recent years, but fine. Then Bond meets M where she feeds him a load of exposition, probably something about a bloke who for some reason is building a large space net the size of the moon and the British Government wants to know why. Then Q gives Bond some gadgets (an invisible car? fuck the fuck off...) and Bond goes off on an adventure where he'll meet a heroine, a femme fetale, and a bunch of red shirts. Along the way, there'll be a sleight of hand where you think the baddies have finally captured him but oh no, it's just the CIA and/or Felix dropping by to say Hiya!. Finally Bond will be captured by the actual Bond Villaintm and before a final showdown Bond will be told of the bad guy's plan to steal the moon and sell it to the Chinese or something. Bond will save the day and end the film on a witty retort ("I thought Christmas only comes once a year." Seriously, fuck the fuck off you smug bastard).
You leave the cinema and wipe the torrid experience from your mind so succesfully that the next year you think it is a good idea to buy it on DVD. You watch it once and then leave it to gather dust on your shelf alongside other pre Roger Moore Bond films which you still occasionally watch and enjoy (Lazenby was a good Bond, and I'd be prepared to fight anybody that disagrees with me).
It. Happens. Every. Time.
And you know what? It's happening again. I've read the internet buzz, watched the video podcasts, they're rebooting Bond! It's Bond Year Zero! Craig is unlike any Bond you've seen before! We're going back to the original Bond! Ooh, that sounds exciting! Well you know what? I've just gone to IMDB to find out who wrote the screenplay, because a screenplay is the bedrock of any film, without a decent screenplay, it doesn't matter how good a director you have, your film will suck seven kinds of balls. So who is writing this supposedly great "new" Bond film? A writing duo who's previous credits include The World is Not Enough, Die Another Die and oh my fucking god Johnny English. OK, I thought, let's just ignore everything I just said about a quality sreenplay being the bedrock of a decent film, maybe they have a director that can polish the piece of shit that the script undoubtedly is. Pray tell, oh wise IMDB, who is directing this "new" Bond film? Martin Campbell, a man whose previous directorial outings include Vertical Limit, Zorro, and yes, Goldeneye. Right. This film will be awful. It won't be a film about a British Spy, it will be a film about a man who goes round the world dodging explosions, fucking beautiful women, shooting bad guys, all with nod and a wink.
And yet I'm still really looking forward to it. What the hell is wrong with me?
2 Comments:
Nothing is wrong with you, you're like all of us, stupidly excited by anything Bond for no real reason. Stop worrying about it and enjoy it, cos when the shit feeling hits you you'll need to remember this excitement to get you over it.
And yes, Lazenby was good, but you seem to be suggesting that Brosnan wasn't good, which he was, and I'd be prepared to fight anybody that disagrees with me on that!
I know what you are saying. I think that the problem is that we are all trying to see the films as we were watching them at the age of 10.
As we are all now older and more critical, coupled with the fact that the films have not changed for 40 years, we will always be left unsatisfied.
The only way to fix this would be to actually bring the format up to date (instead of just saying they are) but that will never happen due to the risk of slaughtering this lucrative cash cow.
I don't think all the recent Bond films have been shit. I thought Tomorrow Never Dies was quite good. The last two have been shit though.
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