Apollo
You may find this hard to believe but I heard the new version of the Do They Know It's Christmas song for the first time this evening when shopping in the local Co-op. I had not intentionally been avoiding it for the past 12 months, it's just that the music gods have looked after me well over the course of the last year. OK, they were caught napping when they failed to protect me from the vomit-inducing aural assault that was Eminem's latest single, but even so, I've managed to avoid most crap music this year, and for that I am grateful.This started my wondering who the god of music actually is, and whether I should maybe hold a party in their honour. It can't be easy having to keep a watchful eye over the entire world of music, especially in an age of manufactured boy bands and rich talentless rappers who produce songs that literally sound like there written by some spoilt angry teenager living in middle class US suburbia and make people's ears commit suicide.
Turns out it's Apollo, the son of Zeus and the mortal Leto. Now I would have thought that being the god of music would be a full time job, but no. Apollo's other responsibilities include poetry, prophecy, dance, reason, intellectualism, Shamans, light, plague, healing, colonists, medicine, archery, and he's also the patron defender of herds and flocks. It's probably this heavy work load that caused him to slip up and accidentally let me hear Do They Know It's Christmas single. I don't know whether Apollo reads this blog (although seeing as he has dominion over intellectualism he probably has to as part of his job), but I would none the less like to offer forth some time management tips, or "life hacks" as they are known these days.
Firstly, if the healing part of the job is getting a bit much, try and cut down on the giving people the plague bit. Nobody likes to catch plague, it's more than a minor inconvenience, and I would also imagine that it increases the demand for medicine too. Secondly, how about privatising archery? It is after all a minority sport and the combined will of the various archery associations around the world could probably muster enough resources between them to carry on without the need for any intervention from an overworked deity. Thirdly, if you have to give some people the plague, you can probably advance the causes of reason and intellectualism at the same time by giving it to people who read The Sun, vote BNP, or people who bought Eminem's latest single.
I think that's probably enough tips for now. As a measure of how successful Apollo has been over the next twelve months, I've just looked up the current number one (it is apparently a song called "Stikwitu" by a girl band called "the pussycat dolls" who all look like the kind of girls you find puking themselves unconscious in a gutter on a Friday night down West Street) and if I go 12 months without hearing this song, I will declare a job well done.
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